Wait. Shouldn’t it be the sadness of death?
I am 25 years old, at the age of 7 I found myself waking up in the middle of the night in tears running into my mothers room responding to the caring question, “What’s wrong?” with the response “I don’t want to die”. Premature? Possibly. Yet, even though still young, I have found that the sadness in death derived from of our lack of understanding of what was to become. I distinctly remember my reasoning for being so afraid, it was because I didn’t want to just disappear. As I’ve lived my life I began to attach the qualities of death to other aspects of my life. Relationships, friendships and my life as a whole have all been shaped by my obscure thinking. Everything I lose and gain is all categorized within the scary and unknown realm of life and death and as depressing as that may seem to be, it has helped me define my life as a whole. To treat every friend and every lover as if the little things were not just small, but a reflection of the life I’ve lived. Treated all with a respect and openness that could only be compared to children and the older crowd, both of which are at the beginning or nearing the end of Life and Death.
The death of sadness occurs when we let go of the single ambitions that we have to include not just ourselves, but those around us. When we attempt to create a better world with disregard for what is to become because become is future tense and in order to do so, we must Be. The driving force behind sadness is shock, for we know that we CAN lose but when we DO it’s abrupt. We begin to ask ourselves “What else could I have done?” or “Why didn’t I try that?” only to come up empty handed and unfulfilled. But what happens when we tell everyone we love everything we have to say? What happens when the boundaries of ourselves become extended and more open? The ability to connect to a life that goes beyond our own into place that only happiness may reside. I’ve loved, I love and I will to as long as my heart beats. I will walk the fine line of my unspoken thoughts for I refuse to not have the chance to say something I know cannot wait. I have lived and died many times in this life of mine and will continue to do so for death is not the end, it is the words I have said that allow for my Death of Sadness.