There was a time when I felt that in order to let go, I would have to forget. Not forget the person, the feelings or the outcome. No. I had to forget the memories, the mental pictures that spin me around and keep me up at night. That in order to move forward, I had to quit looking at the past. It’s passed.
All that came from this was a lost soul.
I looked towards the stars and asked a million times, “What am I doing wrong? Why must I cling to something that only brings me sorrow?” As the days and months turned into seasons and holidays, I found myself feeling trapped. Caught in the web of my own deceptions, trying to justify the burden I was seemingly carrying all by myself. How was it possible that I had been lying to myself, that I was the cause for my anguish? It was then that I had realized the burden I was carrying was quite simply a heavy heart, a common anchor for those craving the open seas but can’t seem to leave the dock. But how do I change this? What was the cause for my duress and why couldn’t I be the explorer I’ve molded myself into?
Enlightened moment: Memories, or the past, is the wind that allows me to sail.
The sun rose and it was a new day. My acceptance of who I’ve become told me to raise the sails and hoist the anchor because although I wouldn’t see land for quite some time, I finally had my bearings. To me, the memories that I had attempted to suppress for those many months was nothing more than a hinderance. It was my burden. I couldn’t bury the memories for doing so took away the very essence of who I was. A person who loves to love. It is the me I’m proud of. With those memories are attached the feelings I had, still have. With that person lies a time in my life that I could never regret because happiness should never be a mistake, regardless of the outcome. With that outcome came a lesson, a chapter, a purpose and a reason to just continue on. I am an explorer at heart and although I have no idea where my next destination may be, I know who I am and which direction I’m headed. I may be gone but I’ll never be lost again as long as I have the wind in my sails.
Still and always, just so you know.