Gone but Not Lost

There was a time when I felt that in order to let go, I would have to forget.  Not forget the person, the feelings or the outcome. No.  I had to forget the memories, the mental pictures that spin me around and keep me up at night.  That in order to move forward, I had to quit looking at the past.  It’s passed.

All that came from this was a lost soul.

I looked towards the stars and asked a million times, “What am I doing wrong?  Why must I cling to something that only brings me sorrow?”  As the days and months turned into seasons and holidays, I found myself feeling trapped.  Caught in the web of my own deceptions, trying to justify the burden I was seemingly carrying all by myself.  How was it possible that I had been lying to myself, that I was the cause for my anguish?  It was then that I had realized the burden I was carrying was quite simply a heavy heart, a common anchor for those craving the open seas but can’t seem to leave the dock.  But how do I change this?  What was the cause for my duress and why couldn’t I be the explorer I’ve molded myself into?

Enlightened moment:  Memories, or the past, is the wind that allows me to sail.

The sun rose and it was a new day.  My acceptance of who I’ve become told me to raise the sails and hoist the anchor because although I wouldn’t see land for quite some time, I finally had my bearings.  To me, the memories that I had attempted to suppress for those many months was nothing more than a hinderance.  It was my burden.  I couldn’t bury the memories for doing so took away the very essence of who I was.  A person who loves to love.  It is the me I’m proud of.  With those memories are attached the feelings I had, still have.  With that person lies a time in my life that I could never regret because happiness should never be a mistake, regardless of the outcome.  With that outcome came a lesson, a chapter, a purpose and a reason to just continue on.  I am an explorer at heart and although I have no idea where my next destination may be, I know who I am and which direction I’m headed.  I may be gone but I’ll never be lost again as long as I have the wind in my sails.

Still and always, just so you know.

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