Something That Never Was

I’ve spent the better half of a decade trying to decide on something that I feel to be important.  It could be that I’ve already made up my mind on the topic, but everyday I find myself struggling with the concept of the idea.  A little background to this dilemma that never was but is:

Beginning at a very young age, I had always thought that it was important to be friends with the opposite sex.  Come to find out, a  much more daunting task than I had ever imagined.  As the years passed I had become growingly frustrated at the notion that these women would come to me using the statements such as, “I wish I could meet a guy like you” or “Why can’t I find a good guy?’.  Standing there in just about as much shock as disbelief, the only thing they wanted to hear was the sound of someone consoling them for what they felt to be an impossibility.  I stuck by them because I had felt that as a person who cared about them, it was my responsibility to be there for them.

Sweet?  Possibly.  Naive?  A bit.  Never could I simply grasp the idea that my being in that situation was conclusively my fault.  As more time went by, I began to feel as most would in that situation, taken advantage of.  The more I attempted to be that person, the more I lost myself.  It was ever so clear to me, I cared for them.  I wanted to take care of them.  I wanted to be that guy, the impossibility.  It became increasingly harder to separate my feelings from the ones I usually ignore, you know, the ones that lose when it’s a friend.

The accountability for these things rest purely on my shoulders, I know that.  I knew that.  So some time during High School I had made the conscious decision to stay away from “Just Friends”.  I found it too painful, too discouraging, too lonely.  To sit and listen to someone vent about how there’s something that isn’t when it’s right in front of them, felt like a slap in the face.  I knew that it wasn’t something that I wanted to be, it wasn’t something I wanted to do.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I can’t say that over the years it isn’t something that I’ve followed up with.  Like most things, after the idea becomes a bit stale I tend to revisit the notion and have found time in and time out that the decision I had made was correct.  This of course is an idea that goes across the board, no discrimination of situation.  Ex’s and flings, Friends significant other or someone they’re interested in.  It was like a smelly bathroom, I just wanted to stay away because the outcomes always ended shitty.

It has taken some time to come to certain realizations about this situation in particular.  Because of the way that I view friendship, I run the risk of getting, as some may refer to as, “Too Close”.  It’s my all or nothing approach and for a circumstance such as this, it’s not very useful nor a good use of my energy.  I spend more time fighting myself, my ideals and the reason why I had decided to be this way.  It’s tiring.

So how to proceed?  As I always have.  In order to change how I act or react, I would effectively have to change myself.  I would have to adjust who I am and it’s because of who I am that I’m in the more blessed position to make this decision.  I was always told that if you must make a decision, be sure of it.  I am.  There is no point in expending more energy on trying be what they want when it’s not what I want and ultimately, it’s about what I want to continue to do.  This is and always will be a 2 way street and I don’t believe in convenience.  This is not about when only you want to talk, this is not only about when you’re bored or hurt, this is not only about you.  You want to be friends?  Then find someone else that will allow you to have your cake and eat it too.  Friendship is not about convenience, not to me.  Friends are family and Family is more.  I will not fret over something that never was, I will not keep myself in this place, I will however quote a song, “Yeah I’m sorry, I can’t afford a Ferrari,
But that don’t mean I can’t get you there.”

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