**Warning: Very long, read at your own risk!**
My life has become toxic. I had stopped exercising, spouted vitriol, crossed lines and ignored boundaries. I stopped writing, lost perspective, but mostly became the kind of person that I have worked hard to not become. I was not the best friend, not the upright citizen, avoided true responsibility and disillusioned myself, to the point that it became damaging to those I love, respect and care for. I cannot express my apologies but I can promise that I am working on it. I’ve lost my way, deviated from the healthy path that I had created, but no more.
For quite some time, I used writing as a means to vent and release much of the angst that has been an ingredient in my life. I say ingredient because bad things happen, ugliness occurs and while I cannot control it, I have the ability to control the cook time, and folks…I’ve been burned. As a result of my ugly ways I have suffered, and while I could have let it guide me to a pit of despair, instead I stood on the edge and accepted that if these ways continued, I would surely explore the depths.
So, I am sorry. For the selfish actions, forgetting the wealth that results from being kind and boundlessly generous with my heart. For being opportunistic because it was advantageous at the moment, misguided and dishonest to my roots. I am better than that but became so self-involved that I forgot that.
So why write this? Because I cannot say it out loud, but I feel it should be known. Never will I get into a conversation where I can say all of this, even though I wish I could. Never will I find the public space appropriate to release many of the thoughts that I have, and for those of you whom know me well, I have an infinite amount currently with an exponential amount created as time passes. Do I think too much? Nah. Just sometimes wish I had an outlet other than writing, but I love those around me because for the most part, I don’t need another outlet.
I have spent the better half of the last 3 weeks cleaning up the moral and disheartening mess I’ve created and so here are a few thoughts that I’ve got:
1) Need and Want: I recently have had numerous conversations about this, mostly in regards to relationships. In the limited scope of the conversation, it ignores OUR need and want. I’ve heard, unfortunately, on a few occasions that I am not what someone would normally consider. As hurtful as that could be, it helped me to understand the objective definitions of “need” and “want”. I am an observer most of the time, but sometimes I need to be a go-getter. There is too much of a reliance on fate, luck and some magical force that in physics is called a fictitious force. What is a fictitious force? It is something that may feel a force, but in actuality is just the result of much simpler forces changing direction. An example of this is space. While it may appear we are floating, in actuality we are free falling but our lateral movement is so fast that it gives the appearance of floating. While in reality we may be falling towards what we need, sometimes it takes the lateral desire of want to allow us to have the floating feeling we all desire.
2) I require chaos: I think….a lot. It’s constant and plentiful, and it creates the equivalent of dropping a 5000 piece puzzle onto the floor for every perceived problem. It’s why I love puzzles, can spend countless hours studying to figure out a single problem. It explains why I love being in a relationship, why I love…love, but mostly why I feel like I want order. Now I realize this can be confusing. I do not desire drama, and I do not feel chaos has to necessarily involve drama, but drama is chaotic and is relatively unavoidable in our daily lives. The chaos I’m referring to is the uninhibited, random and raw parts of life. Everything in this life is interesting to me, let’s make this very clear. I am interested in EVERYTHING. If not the object of my attention, the reasons for why or why not. People are endlessly interesting, especially when they’re honest. Life is simply fascinating in that it’s constantly chaotic. I love (life) it. Which leads me to the next/last major thought…
3) Being thankful AND grateful: Without everyone, from my family to my friends to the acquaintances and strangers I’ve yet to be introduced to, I am grateful to have experienced your presence. I am thankful that you’ve spent the time to introduce yourself to me, to feel safe enough to engage my curiosity with your own chaos, to share the wealth of love you each have to offer, and for the unique way you all express yourselves to me. In what seems like eons ago, I had a Facebook account and sent you all a personalized letter expressing my gratitude for your friendship. It was not for any other reason than for you all to know, and so is this last thought. I do not have a social media account, but I am more than happy to share my thoughts if you truly want to know (and I assume if you’ve read this far without skimming, you’re probably curious). So thank you! Do not ever feel as though you are alone, not thought about or forgotten. Never feel as though you are unloved, nobody cares or doesn’t want to listen. As long as I’m around, I’ll have time and in the case I don’t, I’ll make it. I am a firm believer that if something is important, time and effort will be made and you all will get nothing less from me.
4) A brief apology: While some may feel that it does not need to be said, I’m doing it anyways. I apologize if I’ve acted or said anything hurtful, it is and never will be my intention. At times, I become misguided and aloof to my surroundings, it usually occurs when I’m internalizing a lot of things at once. While this is my reason, it may seem to be an excuse, but I assure you it is not. If I have wronged you, hurt you or made you feel anything less than the high regard I hold all people in, please let me know pronto. I will do my best to right the wrong.
If you’ve read this all, I thank you for the immense time and effort it took to get through it all. As with most explanations from me, they are super detailed and winded, but it was necessary. Last but not least, if you are ever in need of venting, I’m available and have been told that my appearance as a teddy bear is actually a result of my being one. Eh, who knows =)