The Vampire in my Mirror

Once upon a time, in a far off time and not so distant place, I was without compromise and filled with resolve.  I knew exactly who I wasn’t with an excitement to find out who I would become.  I could read a situation and not just act correctly, but with a precision that I hadn’t fully understood.  I made the hard choices, not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I felt it was actually easier.  Ah, the illusion of avoiding trouble by standing in the middle of it.  There’s an entertaining irony that standing in the eye of the storm is often the brightest and clearest, yet it’s a revolving truth of our lives.

I never had all of the answers, but I was always willing to find out.  To take the lumps because I was not afraid of the consequences, but because there was an inevitability to learning life lessons.  Nobody comes out unscathed. Yet I find myself in the predicament that I’ve been in before, the one where being who I am was not what was needed.  At least not completely.  There are aspects of a person that will remain hidden and when there’s an added intensity, it is requested to be quelled and put away because it has the ability to overshadow.  It forces questions that would not otherwise be asked and brings into question a motive that had never existed.  It’s akin to creating the boogie monster by simply believing it exists.  Who would have thought.

I’ve always believed in what many believe to be a myth or fairy tale.  That we can all take care of each other with no burden of misguided judgement, no matter how rational it may seem.  That being a good person will place you head above shoulders of anyone that is not so.  That loving to a fault is no fault at all, it’s commendable and rewarded.  I still do. I still feel that this is a small world, that serendipity is not just a cute word to explain coincidence, that we can have integrity in the face of adversity and that living selfishly, selflessly is achievable.  I am an optimist, the most pessimistic optimist you’ll ever meet.  What does that mean? It means that I hope and act such with the belief that we are all capable of more, of greater, of loving beyond the parameters we set for ourselves and expectations we set for others.  It means that as I continue to walk to the lake because it has become an item in my box of thoughts, that what’s meant to occur will prevail without question or judgement. If it were, it would, if it weren’t, it won’t and if only were what should be instead of what could have been.

Every moment is fleeting, every second afraid of the one before it, and because of so we will know that while what has happened has, what hasn’t is not defined.  Be tall, stand proud, but most of all…love yourself.  I have sacrificed far more than I’d ever care to acknowledge or admit to, and that’s alright with me.  Do not mistaken my vacation from the work it takes to maintain one of the multitude of persons I have become, for doing so is an underestimation of my kindness.  An under appreciation for what I have been offering, and a blatant disrespect for the person I’m trying to become.

Finally, to the unspoken.  Appreciate the void for I resign my love for love.  It was explained at one point that I am not the shell I appear to be, nor am I what I’ve allowed people to see beyond the thorny exterior I attempt to create.  I am what curiosity you still have left, the inquisitive questions that remain unanswered, but mostly what was not supposed to be.  I am you and you are me.  My equal, my image, my beauty in life, my reflection.  Do not feel loss when the mirror is gone, because what I saw will never leave me, my reflection.

Sincerely,

Shawn Lee

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