It started with a harmless joke, just a weird way to bond. Dropped an expletive here and there, I couldn’t risk being found out. I had spent so many years trying to hide what I could not explain, the love I have for this life and how I wanted to share it. Yes, I’d been comfortable before, but rarely ever this much, I couldn’t risk losing it again so I put it in a place even I couldn’t find.
I always figured that if I had, serendipity would play a role. Told myself that when the time had come, I’d be cautious and ever so careful. I knew better but I’m inquisitive and the drive to find out the answer guided me to the edge. As I stared over the cliff of normal, I waited just to be sure, and asked myself a simple question, what if it were all true? Ambiguity has always been a guiding principal of mine, and while I’ve attempted to conceal it, it’s my nature to find out solutions or to find every hiding place of what I’m trying to find.
I sat back and dropped bombs in the effort to conserve the walls that I had put up over the years. Someone had once asked me if I was purposely intense so that instead of jumping hurdles, the other person had to climb a mountain instead. Simple answer: No. I am intense. I love hard, plain and simple. I am also incredibly weird and have been told on numerous occasions that I am horrible, and I am…both. I am horrible at concealing once I feel, and it’s weird that I do at all. I am horrible at not being myself and it’s weird that I don’t care. I am horrible at not sharing and it’s weird since I’m a guy. I am horrible at being like everyone else and it’s just because I treasure being weird. I am not afraid of who I am, what I have to offer and certainly not afraid of what could happen.
I am afraid of not finding out, of not living life to the fullest before 46.75. I am afraid of the act of nothing, the inability to do something because I am paralyzed by what it could all mean. I am afraid of being any less than I am now, and that’s horrible. What’s weird is how I look at the world. That I never have to worry about being less than I am now because I’m constantly thinking and translating the new materials I intake into the Joules that I need to keep building.
The story of creation as a concept applies to us all. Every moment of every day is an opportunity to create something amazing. To explore the inner depths of our own happiness. It’s alright that it’s scary, it is for everyone. We are constantly surrounded by so much darkness that it’s easy to get used to the cave we’ve hid ourselves in. We cannot fly so it’s fight or hide, although we can certainly try. We rob ourselves, cheat ourselves, rationalize and create valid reasons as to why not. It’s easier in the safety of the cave, but people are like plants in a way. They continuously require nourishment and always require some kind of sunlight. When all is said and done, a candle may light others candles but it will not keep them warm. I’d rather offer a lantern with lots of goose gas and keep the candles for dinner.
I am horrible, but I try to be shocking. I am weird, or maybe it’s just everyone else. I open doors, give my jacket and am alright with ovens from the Netherlands. I will throw you in the lake but then jump in to get you. I will not make breakfast in bed every day but may leave something in the oven anyways. I don’t believe in honeymoon periods but do believe periods do occur during honeymoons. If we are a reflection of our environment, then I am weird because I can see more colors than black and white. I am horribly ignorant to very little and oddly attentive to everything. I know I shouldn’t be telling stories but there are countless stories to tell already. The most fascinating part? You’ll never be absolutely certain what I’ll do next, but I promise you….HONK.
What started as what was needed evolved into more. It was never meant to be what was wanted, but it did. It is incredibly rare to find a person with whom you connect with on a metaphysical level, one that understands you without compromise or sacrifice (although at times it may require it). Just as rare, usually coincidence, but mostly harmonious, is when what we need becomes what we want. The growth in acknowledgement, understanding and acceptance that while it may have started as an exploratory mission, that what was discovered when we got there had far greater implications than anyone could have expected. That is beauty.