Here I sit again, at a crossroads I all but knew to be inevitable, yet somehow sooner than I had expected. As I sat at the edge of the bed, I tried to ignore the rush of anxiousness as the final moment approached with haste. We had once said our goodbyes, yet some how, I felt this time it was the last. I pray it’s not.
I tried to be indifferent, to not be selfish, to hold the hand that I once called home. I didn’t want to let go, but alas it was out of my control. The fingers were slipping, just like the time we had, they got away much too fast. I asked myself the unfortunate question of “how do I keep what I never truly had?”
Spending what energy remained, I told them how I felt. That I was incredibly grateful for the time we shared, and that they will never be forgot. That I will see them again, we will gleefully share a laugh, and that time cannot arrive soon enough. Unfortunately I don’t know what happens next, we were a tulip in full bloom, and time was running out.
I created a plan, that we would spend our final days being who we are. Sharing every available moment between treatments because at this point, it was all about quality of life. We both knew the end was near, and didn’t want to face it, so my plan was executed because at least we had each other. What better way to go, than happy tears and true smiles on our faces.
We spent our time doing at this point what had come easily to us. Enjoyed each others company and talked about everything under the sun, sometimes never getting up. We shared more than we ever had, divulged the origins of our broken window. We tip toed around the edge of fantasy because we knew this was real yet fragile.
In words I cannot explain the gravity or scope of these last few days, I had executed a plan for ease but fell victim to complex perfection. Things had gone too well so a crack had to be manifested. My plan was increasingly successful, so much so that it fell victim to what I least expected. Absolute comfort crushing limits and boundaries at every turn, it was terrifyingly fantastic.
I was attempting to prepare for departure, the finality I dreaded. I was trying to be a good person, honest and caring without compromise because it was earned and not given. To allow them to see themselves through my eyes, beautifully broken, my supernova in the vast universe, wonderfully tragic. That the end was near but I would be by their side, like a traveling companion.
Everything fit for a reason, but it’s hard to justify the unexplained. When there are not words to describe feelings properly, it means it was natural, no pressure when it was made. It was crazy chaos somehow being contained, the sparks just flew and lit a torch. Allowed us to find each other, even though both of us weren’t lost.
As I stare out the window now, the ghostly noise of what is and had yet to come rumbles behind me on the bed where I sat. It is empty now, quiet and all I can think about is wishing them the best. Of holding her hand, in my arms without effort because we just fit. My plan, the grand gesture, was a raving success, but I wish it wasn’t for now I’m the only one left.
Until we see each other again, in this life or the next, I will forever care and want this opposite world broken piece of glass.