Why, I’m a Nice Guy (Insert Smiley Face)

Hello world!

So, I was driving along today and as I was skipping along on the freeway, I slowed down to let someone in because they were using their blinker and I figured, hell…nobody uses those things, so I let her in the lane. It suddenly dawned on me, I’m a nice guy, but have never really figured out why. So, I’m here today to explain why to clear up any confusion that some may have.

  1. I am a nice guy because I like to go against the grain. The world has caught onto the fact that women are attracted to bad boys, so it has adjusted. In being a nice guy, women will now say “Oh, he’s just a craptastic guy like all the rest…oh wait…he’s nice! SHWING!” Add another name to the list of women swayed by chivalry.
  2. It gives me an explainable reason to spend more time having sex. I am a firm believer that nice guys finish last, so I take my time to make sure no bone is left unturned.
  3. Because holding the door open for 5 minutes while everyone walks through is great exercise. You want to help? Nope! This isn’t pay it forward, I’ve got it kind sir or madam.
  4. Being dismissed allows me to practice my ninja skills. Nice people blend in well with their surroundings, making it the perfect cover for a caper.
  5. Real relationships take time to cultivate, and being a Nice Guy allows me to take my time. Introduction –> Meaningful Conversation –> Friend-zone –> Blank Stares of Possibility –> Drunken Silliness –> (2 years later) Realization that we belong together! Play the long game, now that’s commitment!
  6. Answering phone calls at 3am is where it’s at. It’s like a mental midnight snack.
  7. The hugs are always better
  8. Nobody suspects the butterfly
  9. It allows me to pretend not to know what a ratchet is.
  10. Last, but not least: The view from the back is fantastic. Turns out that last place isn’t too shabby, it’s a lot less work to be a nice guy than it is a douche bag.

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