As a continuation, I will be answer questions in response to the responses of my last questions. The idea behind this is two-fold: first is that it allows me give a bit of transparency as to why I choose to view the world in the way that I do, second is that it allows me to create counter-questions.
If I am inherently sad, am I depressed?
This is a question that I’ve battled with for many years. In all honesty, I don’t believe so, but I have been diagnosed (years ago) as being mildly clinically depressed. The doctor did however say that he was hesitant to even say that because even though the thoughts in my head would have lead him to believe that I was, that because of the way that I processed and thought about the circumstances, that as a doctor the only conceivable diagnosis could be mild without concern for harming myself. My sadness is not manifested from a dark place in me where life seems unbearable or that people are going to hurt me, it is merely an attachment made to a realistic understanding of people, and by association, human nature. I am not, nor will I ever, ignore that people are mostly looking out for themselves, that a good portion of people have a cynical perspective and distrust of others, that they are all out to benefit and look out for themselves. It is an acceptable fact, whether I like it or not, and that makes me sad; to think that a large number of the population are like this. My sadness, in actuality, manifests from my sadness is my hope and desire to be surprised by people. That hope is what drives me, motivates me to continue to care immensely without regard for what is being returned. I don’t ask a lot, but what I do ask is that folks be honest with me, because if I feel taken advantage of then the other core feeling in me surfaces — anger. When I was younger, I wished to disappear, not die, but simply go away for awhile. No stress, anger, sadness. Just nothingness. The idea of this helped me cope, mentally, with the broken circumstances and naive shattering reality I witnessed. If I disappeared for a bit, maybe those around me would be better off for a moment, until I could return and have the energy to be more helpful than I was at the moment. No, I am not depressed, only sad. Others may need to be happy, or feel they need to be, to live…I do not. I do not need it, I do not expect it and damned if it isn’t nice to have every once in awhile; for it justifies my hopes.
Wait, the other core feeling in you is anger?
Yes. What I’ve been talking about this entire time has been the raw parts of myself and anger is a huge part of that. I am sad because the reality I witness is not one in which I would like to be a part of, one of selfishness and entitlement, where people do because of benefit or gain and believe that those who do for the sake of simply doing have an ulterior motive or secret agenda. The anger is sourced from the how or the often shallow reasons as to why people are like that, because I believe that it doesn’t have to be — at least all the time. It is human nature to want to preserve ones Self, it’s why even after all these years, we still have the fight/flight reflex, as self preservation is one that is supposed to ensure the survival of the species. My anger is for the intent of said survival, it is that I feel powerless at times to alleviate others sadness, it is the lack of genuine gratitude and the downright rejection to be different for the sake of another. In essence, my anger is because I believe we are all better people than we lead on to be and most will never escape the grips of the social pressures derived from the idea that we some how deserve what we receive. I have seen people walk through life, blessed with the pleasure of company that goes far beyond anything I can fully fathom, but the rationale is, “Well, it was their choice to do it.” This shit is a two way street and your choosing to accept is what balances the equation. I have spoken about the idea of zeroing out, and in this instance, I usually apply it with the sense that by starting from zero, we have the ability to now grow. Some people, like myself, are self conscious about helping; constantly feeling a sense of duty to go beyond; not because I benefit from doing so, but because I want to earn what I feel that I’m receiving. The problem with this, as I’m beginning to fully understand, is that the meter never starts at zero. Now, truthfully, I’m alright with that. It is not a real concern to me that I am willing to give it my all, why would I be upset about that? What upsets me is the blame that occurs after or during. “Well, you created the standard” or “You didn’t have to do it” are things that are said; and it’s narrow-minded. I am not perfect, far from it, and I know that I will make mistakes, but the criticizing judgement of a person doing something kind for another person is exactly why I am both sad and angry all the time. I don’t need or expect pleasantry every time, but I do ask for sincerity and the personal integrity to know that when it stops, it’s you’re fucking fault. If a person is not willing to extend themselves beyond their normal comfort zone, then that’s fine, and just because I’m willing to doesn’t mean that others will be; but because I know how temporary life is, if it doesn’t mean anything then don’t accept it. If a person knows themselves well enough to know that no matter what a person does, it won’t matter, stop accepting it. Either that…or stop blaming others for your decisions.
So all of this is, what exactly?
This is me before all the thinking. In relation to the question asked in part one, I think as much as I do because it helps to quell the raw and rather extreme things I feel. I reason and rationalize, both logically and illogically, to gain a greater understanding of not only myself, but others as well. I want to be helpful, what I gain from it all is the knowledge that I others were helped. I am by no means above reproach when it comes to keeping the raw parts of myself in check, I am a very emotional person and because of so, these raw parts seep through; in varying quantities depending on the circumstances. I have put up defense, ones I’m trying to bring down, that have protected me from the sort of behavior that triggers my raw feelings, and have most likely alienated a few as a result. I am constantly sorry for that, as it was only a glimpse of who I am, but that’s alright, maybe they’ll come around. I am a very hopeful person, want to believe the best in those around me, and have began to ask “Why not?” as opposed to “Why” because the fear of being better should never even be a part of the conversation. Why do I do things? Why not? Why do I keep trying? Why not? Why would I want to do anything? Why not? I’ve got the time, the energy and willingness to do it, that’s enough for me. I am working incredibly hard to love and accept people for who they are, and what that means is that I needed to stop projecting myself onto others. Values, morals, beliefs, thoughts and realities differ for each person; the only way I can transcend those vastly distant boundaries is to care about each one of theirs as I care about mine. I am not ignorant or naive to reality, I am merely not letting it cloud my decision making. Holding me back from not adding something good to a wretched world filled with corporate selfishness, and to do so for the sake of why not. I believe we ask why when there is possibly a wrong in the choices I face. If learning, experience and knowledge is what I truly crave, then everything done is fulfilling those cravings and being afraid of the outcome in the name of self-preservation is not acceptable. From my sadness and through my anger, I have the conviction and motivation to push on past the detractors, to stand next to those I disagree with and hug them, still. I want to truly and genuinely respect life.
So does this mean I don’t have any bias?
No. I have my own sets of standards and opinions about everything, it’s the nature of being an analyzer. What should be taken from this, if anything, is that I will be doing my absolute best to NO LONGER project or overlay my own beliefs and experiences onto others. They are not me and I am not them, and as I’ve done in the past, all I can do is share my experiences, but I will not care any less about them. I will continue to hold those I feel that I’m close with next to my heart and will continue to try breaking through in my own ways to everyone. I do not share these bits of myself, usually, because I do not wish others to need to even hear about these things for the reason that it has caused concern and the last thing I want to do is for anyone to live the way I do. What I will do, as I have, is do my best to understand everything from everyone. Because of the paradoxical way I live and feel, doing more will always be a part of who I am and I love it, so I will always want to share the burden for others; I have the space in my bag. Know that at times it will be full, but there’s always space.
Not sure what I’ll cover in the next one, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something. Until the next post, I’ll be working on Chapter 4 and Part 3 so it’ll be a little longer (depending on how creative I’m feeling) so just keep an eye out. I hope this helped some understand me better, and as always…I’m here to listen and talk, always.