A Year in the Rearview
Well, hasn’t this just been an incredibly beautiful disaster. This has certainly been a very interesting point in my life, where I am not viewing the past in hindsight because I saw just about everything as I approached it. I have gained and lost enough to keep me balanced, and while the value of each thing I received was never in question, the inevitable consequence was that in order to stay balanced, the value of what I already had required assessment.
I’ll cover the basis first. Gains. I was served what Anton Ego asked for. And I was given it in multitudes, whether I wanted it or not. As should happen, I have never been so certain in who I am, what I stand for and gave myself direction – I found it exactly where I’d left it. I have reaffirmed that I am a hopeless romantic, hard-headed, resolute and more than I will ever give myself credit for. I love, and I do so without regard for myself. I am no longer desiring to be viewed as anything other than I am, even if that means I cannot save what is on the verge of loss, the verge of lost. I found out why the platitudes will never be enough, the reason why unconditional exists and that I do think a lot, and it validated a fact we all know, most people don’t think enough so thinking a lot is not a negative.
I have lost friends, family and parts of myself that I do not wish to regain because I never let them go. I have moved forward, and have done so with the knowledge that I do not have to hate or even strongly dislike those that have left me behind, they get the hopeless part, take it or leave it. I offer it, and I do so unconditionally. I care, immensely, and will continue to do so whether I’m supposed to exist or not. There will not be fear of change, progress, being wrong or right, or of anything other than not taking a chance nor finding out. There may not always be green grass on the other side or an oasis over the next dune, but I will never find out if I don’t go to see. Experience comes at the expense of time and energy, so I will never regret but I will mourn the losses acquired.
To those I’ve lost: I wish you nothing but the best, truly. I hope that you will find the piece of solace you were searching for, the peace of mind you wish to maintain, and the lightness of soul from unloading burdens. I love you all.
To existence: It’s over rated and narrow-minded. It has been a pleasure to watch the expanse occur, the contractions that followed and the epoch that is slowly helping you to cement the knowledge of self you’ve always understood, but never committed to. All jokes aside, it’s been a phenomenal adventure and just because you don’t accept it, or don’t want to hear it, doesn’t mean it was never expressed; that it doesn’t exist. Some people were never meant to sit in a box.
To those I’ve gained: You all are an introspective reminder as to why I will never fear change, if I did, I never would have met you all. It has been a pleasure, warm and delightfully messy matter of happenstance, so thank you.