Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I love life. Everyday seems to be a holiday, sprinkled with joy and filled with uncontrollable smiles. My soul is uplifted and the horizon is promising. I love them, or at least I suspect I do, it’s odd though. I hardly know them but it feels like they’ve been there the whole time, I simply didn’t realize it and feel silly for being so oblivious to the obvious. Very odd indeed. I have never been so comfortable being in the wrong, a destination I couldn’t conceive would happen to me, I’ve been so careful to avoid entanglements of this magnitude – –  except I couldn’t imagine quantum concepts. Now I can, now I do, now I’ve found what I was never looking for and was blessed enough to, instead, be found.

It hasn’t been that long, a forced pairing and the awkward meeting that was anything but. I want to say that this feeling is electric, but to say so would diminish the infinity I’m holding in my hands, pulling close and resting peacefully next to. It feels good and my soul is well; filled to the brim with the translucent bearer of life. I don’t mean to speak poetically, but to be honest (for the sake of full disclosure), the more words I speak about the joy and completeness that warms my breast, the less I am able to explain – – it just never made any sense – –  and so I am relegated to minimal words to convey this exactness.

To say that the past couple of weeks didn’t have hiccups would be a lie, but the frightening thought that I was wrong about it all got rid of them immediately. I can’t stop watching them, life is beautiful and I am witness to it. The way they begin to tear during certain moments of a movie, fighting them back because they’ve been conditioned to be strong. The times when dinner is made and a small smirk tattoos itself on the corner of their soft lips. How when they think nobody is looking they let out a huge sigh of relief, as if each breath holds a pound of flesh. I never have to worry, although I am concerned at times. Finally, the reminder that I am not alone.

I suppose, even now, I’m a bit skeptical of it all. I mean, it’s so easy and if there’s anything that I’ve learned over the 29 years of life, it’s that very few things will come easily. I’ve read the likes of Socrates and Marcus Aurelius, stared at the stars and the endless horizon of the oceans, loved and lost, questioned and accepted. This is far different than all of that because it doesn’t, and hasn’t, made any sense outside of “just because”. My past has allowed me the opportunity to view this new relation with exacting objectivity, and the only conclusion that I’ve arrived at is, well… fuck it. I’ve reconnected, rediscovered and redistributed enough to know this isn’t a lie. In fact, the only thing I’m certain about now is that in the warmth of the eyes that briefly hide behind the flashes of disbelief, I feel safe. The world is hectic and maddening. This is peaceful and I can finally get some rest.

People often refer to the whirlwind of happiness as dizzying, but right here, right now, I thoroughly contest that notion. I am now of the mind and awareness of the world to realize that the disorienting feeling I have is motion sickness, because as the world continues to spin, the time I spend with them has stopped me in my tracks and the imbalance is that the world doesn’t know it doesn’t need to be like that. It doesn’t have to be filled with selfish, self service where benefits are only for those who give up their soul full time. I am as cynical as the next person, but this has shown me that there is more depth and substance to existence than I have been giving credit to. Being able to forget the drab and daft routine of life, allowing my reason to become my purpose.

For a good portion of my life timing was always an issue, although it’s debatable about the person as well. I’m sure like most people, I’ve had close calls and brushes with the wrong colors of the emotional rainbow, but the moment they said “I’ve got you”, I knew the only thing I wanted to do was share the affection I always knew I was capable of. I am officially convinced that this is my turn to float into the scary and infinite space of possibilities, and no matter how quickly I go, there’s enough room to navigate the treacherous vastness; where the only direction I’m going is wherever I’m facing. I wasn’t looking, ignored convention, grabbed hold of the miniscule opportunity that I was presented with — consequences be damned. I am exhausted of living in fear, tired of being the outlier, the reliable friend – – I want more. I am more and it’s time to value myself as such. I am not a dented can that sitting in the bargain bin, I’m a bargain that’s been dented a time or two.

-”Finally, dinner is ready. Smells delicious.”

While others argue, question and toil over right and wrong, I know that right now it’s pointless. The sun is shining and the sky is clear, my house is warm and filled with laughter and amazing conversation. Across from me sits a beauty I cannot explain, a smile that lifts my spirits a mile for every millimeter it stretches, an understanding that of self expanding beyond the edge of the cosmos — and love. Not love in the conventional sense, but in the universal truth that not everything needs to make sense all the time. To close my eyes and see them clearly, feel the moment I knew it was right coursing through my veins, quenching a thirst my figurative heart has secretly craved for quite some time, speeding up my literal heart as it tries to catch up to the state of being that has captured my soul.

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, but I’ve never known what to do with it. Should I preserve it and how would I go about it? I am not, nor will I ever be, concerned with being vulnerable because I know that it’s an objective truth that we are all vulnerable; whether or not we believe that is a matter of opinion but it doesn’t change the fact we are. For a period of time I felt it was best to tuck it away, keep it safe, but issues arose where it would appear I was heartless. I’ve never been comfortable with having it on full display, I have never (until now) been proud of its accomplishments – – I now understand and appreciate that failures are accomplishments in their own right. What to do. I feel like I’m in a pickle. That’s it! I will put it in a jar. Protected but not hidden. Preserved but perishable. Mine but also yours. I love life.


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