Umzug

So today I moved. I have many thoughts and feelings about the circumstances around the necessity, but I have began to notice a re-emergence of a common theme in my life that can be summed up with 1 word: despite.

In my time away, a prevailing mindset has been guiding me more than usual, as it always has. Adversity is a hell of a thing, and yet there is never any way to properly describe the feeling. We want to connect, but push away because someone cannot fully comprehend exactly what I feel.  It’s a circular pain because one cannot close the gap if they are also a reason it’s there. We can say we don’t care, we can divide and scream that the world is at fault. We get upset, furious that the simulation we believe to be real is no more tangible than the person we believe ourselves to be. Constantly skeptical, perpetually uncertain of inevitability, ignoring Nature because it’s difficult to fathom the conflation of natural as an abstract concept to fix a box. We are, in essence, putting our imagination into a shadow box. There’s depth so that makes it worldly knowledge, but we drone on confirming what we already know to justify the resistance to change. Despite this, I’m constantly in awe of the creative ways I’ve seen people love each other.

Deconstructed ideals masked in morals continually barrage everyone at all times whether we see it, acknowledge it or know it’s influence on us. An ever increasing sense of dread accompanies the inevitable change that is misread as greener grass. The metaphor itself is misleading because it is usually seen that the message is to be wary of false hope. For as long as I can recall, I’ve always understood it to be about our innate desire to not want to focus on the strenuous task of climbing the obstacles that lay before my dreams are realized. Dreams that change with the landscape of Life. If I know that I’ll never know what lay on the other side, then the grass on the other side has an equal chance to be molten lava creating more mountains to climb as it does a final resting place. So, I climb. I do so despite what’s on the other side because my appreciation for everything live as I do: concurrently in the past, present and future.

I’ve moved and I’ll do so again, sooner than I’d like. The flurry of instability drives me to break free from the mental shackles that I fear ever so dearly. They say that as one door closes another opens, but I find that fundamentally flawed. I’ve encountered enough locked doors to know that sometimes, all doors are closed and the only one I that can be opened is my own Self. It must be done by force because the game winds of change need an open Self if we wish to continue to be blown away.

I’ve moved. I’ll move again.

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